ask and ye shall receive – polarity switch
By Kervin | March 15, 2010 | No Comments
first, i will turn you into money, then i will put you in my wallet.
i put my wallet in my pocket and sit on it.
when i need some more money, i will buy it with you–
change you in for the one-hundred pennies you are worth–
PUNKSNOTDEAD
soggy, used, discarded you.
and when we’re done with you, we’ll put you in our pockets,
snap the tops, steal all your light:
spread four ways; corners of the earth.
your north is south, we hold your compass for you.
little babe, magnetized no more.
———-
hello, wide world of internet. kervin here, reporting from a leather sofa sitting in the recessed den of a lovely townhome in tempe, arizona, and i’ve decided to do a convoluted-message advice column laced with hints of grandiose idea, nay, Idea, while i precariously sit across the room from an edward cut-out. his right eye is terribly photoshopped because the photographer was evidently incapable of using dramatic lighting efficiently. the creator, he is a blundering man.
so what is there to say about a person on vacation, what sorts of advice should he give, and what sort should he take? it is hypocritical to suggest relaxation routines, or perhaps just cruel, since this is all he is capable of. as the moment goes, he is not at work, nor at school, but not far enough out of these routines to forget all about them, so he piddles with the minds of those around him to see the gears grind; to see the wrench bend as he threw it in. silly, mischievous little man. occupy yourself with something self-engaging.
or burn it all down. we’ll be long gone before they figure it out.
ask and ye shall receive : episode one
By Kervin | February 10, 2010 | No Comments
greetings, all. blessed is the day without sleep; that long-haul stretch down a dark road.
i come to you today with the intent of imparting sage-like wisdom on those dumb enough to take it. as a disclaimer, i would like you all to know that any of the aforementioned dumb-dumbs whom take my advice will probably end up hospitalized or will straight-up disappear from the face of the planet. i will and shall not be liable for your interpretation of my encouragement! the lord works in mysterious ways.
a plump, delicious birdie once told me relationships are easy. however, it was hunting season, and the bird was obviously using methods of persuasion so i wouldn’t eat turkey pot-pie for months thereafter. i recently experienced death in its grandiose schema.
i’m no hunter; this is just a silly gag, but anyway– relationships: a great starting point for any opinionated dickhead to silence the voices. this particular example goes much deeper than he expects, which is good– his letter shows an uncontrollable urge to improve, something we cannot ignore anymore in ourselves!
february 10, 2010 — dear diary. it’s a cold, lonely wednesday morning, and i’m sitting on this green couch again– ashtray full of butts. maybe i will smoke one of these to quench the biting thirst of what probably amounts to an oral fixation. my eyes are half as tired as my lonesome heart, and i know that today i will fall asleep alone. again. i can’t bring myself to do any of the things that need doing– such is the tiring folly known as my sorrowful existence. i will take this broken heart and this broken life and throw it off a bridge for the opportunity of… something. someone. anything. anyone.
well, kiddo. what a pickle you’re in! delicious, salty brine. i’m going to start by suggesting that you start looking inward for contentedness, instead of trying to define yourself by fleshy, human appendages. you can do yourself some great justice if you improve your self-image! i suggest starting by reading the psychology of self-esteem, and when you’re really ready to get outside your shell, how to win friends and influence people. be sure to call me when you’re ready to accept your puny, succulent mortality.
and remember, it’s up to you, and only you, to make yourself happy! hobbies can help. :)
Three AM trip to Wisconsin
By Kervin | October 14, 2009 | 3 Comments
The planning stage of a road trip across the nation is an important ritual. You are committing yourself to something once started cannot be undone– in this way, many similarities to psychotropic substances can be drawn– so prepare accordingly. This serves as a guide to those unfortunate few who’ve never driven for days at a time. It’s a magical thing.
Packing
Consider the terrain you’ll be traversing. Where are you headed? I’ll be frank for the sake of example: I am going to Wisconsin. I will be leaving the southwest, a place of dry heat, for the shocking cold and snow of the upper midwest. I know that I will need a heavy coat, a scarf, sturdy, warm shoes, and some sort of cap. But I will also be spending most of my time between my home and my destination: Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Illinois, et. al. I can’t be expected to calculate the placement of these geographies on the globe, nor know elevations, weather patterns, and so on. So I will take a range of clothes that allow for the unexpected, which brings me to another important header:
Don’t Pack A Bunch Of Bullshit, or, Travel Light
This is a short trip– four days, max. I don’t need my entire wardrobe. I also don’t want to load down the hatch area of a subcompact car with all of my things. Other people will need this space. Take one suitcase, max. Follow the basic rules of flying. Less is certainly more.
The Importance Of Money
Don’t be a dick. Share that shit, however much you’ve got, unless we’re talking about THE EMERGENCY FUND. Yes, have one of those.
Driving Jams
I am a romantic. I adore the feeling of the right song for the right place and the right time. It’s indescribable, but once again I will assume you have no idea just what the hell i am talking about just give me a good enough idea of what you mean and expedite the process i am impatient.
The giant clockwork what determines the courses of our lives is built of splendorous gold and silver cogs. It resides in the fourth dimension mere centimeters away from our own universe. Given the right songs, the right films, the right people and the right mood, this hidden layer reveals itself for you and, for a split second, allows you to bask in the tremendous glory of serendipity.
Now that you know I am crazy and that music is an important and often under-looked facet of the road trip, take some time to consider the future context of your travels. You will be cooped up in a car with people you will slowly grow to resent in an absurd, superficial way. (I will explain this later) Don’t be afraid to pander to the lowest common denominator, e.g., the person whose musical tastes are unknown to you. But don’t be afraid to be a dick and put on something nobody else is into. If you’re driving, it’s your call. The trick is finding a balance of everybody’s tastes and parlaying that against the amount of daylight out, how long you’ve been on the road, the energy levels of everyone involved, and so forth. Just pay attention and God or The Clock or Whatever will give you some ideas of where to take It. If you denounce all ideas of faith or metaphysics or however you want to call it, feel free to take requests from the folks in the car. You’ll save yourself a headache that way.
Oh My God I Can’t Stand This D-Bag Anymore, or, Coping With Road-Crazies
Imagine you’ve been on the road for six hours. You’ve had to listen to everybody openly speak their minds about whatever-the-hell the entire time and you’re considering pulling the wheel into that telephone pole just to shut them up. Don’t worry– this is part of the process. This is road madness. The cause is still unknown to me, (and just you wait I’m about to toot my own horn here) and being a self-proclaimed road veteran (told you) means I should. I can, however, tell you some of the solutions I employ.
- Tune that shit out. Put in your headphones. Pay attention to the lyrics.
- Relax. You’re probably just stressed from staring at the infinite stripes. Smoke a cigarette, take a stretch break, get someone else to drive, do what you must.
- Change the subject. Nothing too controversial, though. This will just make things worse.
- Meditate. Picture an expansive, cool, green field. You’re holding a bottomless Thompson sub-machine gun. The billions of rabbits explode into rainbows and daisies when hit. Go wild.
Smoking Patterns
If you’re a self-respecting hipster like the rest of us, you smoke cigarettes. Nobody thrives on wind noise, so minimize it by smoking with the rest of the pack. My trip will happen in a two-door, so spare the people in charge of windows the hassle of the up-down. Bring a satellite ashtray for the backseat so your coffin nail droppings don’t get rubbed into the upholstery.
That’s all I can think of right now. My advice to you: always exercise a great amount of common sense, possibly more than you do on a daily basis, and you’ll come out alive and knowledgeable.
